WordArt

It feels just like this (ignore the ad, it's worth the wait. watch the whole thing.)

My days end in fireworks and I hug decorated elephants and make up the rules to risk and have 14 young boys tell me "goodnight, we love you" as they fall asleep.

I have not stopped smiling all day.

I could get used to being this happy. I am very okay with it. It doesn't mean I'm not dangerous. It doesn't mean I'm forgetting where I've been and that I'm broken. But I am more than that. And it is time to be glad about it. To live now and let Love in.

Sparkles fall like fairy dust and I am not afraid of magic. Call it fire and I tell you it burns with more energy than you've ever met. I think maybe my heart is made of fireworks. Maybe I should get that checked out. But I'd hate to become some medical project. Why don't we just keep it our gigantic secret.

Funny, Teal and I used to say this all the time, "Well, you see I have this condition." It was after we saw Memento. He would say it when he would forget things. I would never forget things. That was my condition.

The trouble is that there are so many forgettable things in life. So many infinitely small points in my day, and they are all (on days like today) filled with reasons and internal dialogue, and so my days become dense, incredibly dense, and I get sucked under them like quicksand.

Today has been the longest loneliest day of my life. And that is a lie. I have lived lifetimes in this way. At least years, maybe a decade, but I cannot remember.

But I thought it all was over. I have been medicated and trying for two years, and I was beginning to forget how much it hurts, to have every moment stuck to you like a thorn. Like being covered with spines that point inward.

Now I am back to my organic state and I hurt like hell. It's like missing something I haven't ever had. I am homesick for my dreams. But it feels so much worse than I can describe. I am not the only one hurting. Not from my condition, but the ones that I am homesick for.

But I will not forget you, those who I dream of. Your pain is greater, your need so much more than my simple discomfort will keep me from. I have been called to you and I will meet you there. Not in my wholeness. I do not have it to give to you, I'm sorry. But I will be there soon, to give to you in my brokenness. All the more to celebrate because in my unwholeness God's fullness is perfect, is whole, is enough, satisfying. Enough for me, and more importantly for you. You, who wait for His Love.

I cannot wait until we meet. My condition will not disappear, but somehow I am certain it will fade when I am finally able to see your glowing faces. Then I will tell you all of my stories. You will learn about this guy in my stories, you will learn about my family and my friends, you will learn about my God. The One whose love has set me running to you.

I will not forget you. You see I have this condition.

In Afternoons my thoughts are sent
to time
and time passing
Remind me to capture
every moment
before night freezes us

In this light (this Afternoon light) we see
what we made
or how we wasted
the gift of Morning

(You and I), I hope we will say
we made ours
worth every drop
of sweet honey gold
pouring down
on our lip-licking delicious Afternoon

We laid out the makings
of breath stealing sunsets
we planted trees
to silhouette them right
in the photographs we will take
this Afternoon

We followed the heart's path
all the way to the place
Heaven pours down, watering freedom

And all afternoon
we will dance like crazy
We will breathe more deeply
to see more clearly
We will climb every tree
We will taste every fruit

This afternoon was made
for us
(Doubtlessly), it is ours
It is exactly as we like it
Just like we asked Santa
(like that girl on 34th street)

Of course it is ours
(of course it is ours)
We dreamed it up
and love let it all
come
true

I can't wait
to make the most
of our big day
(and it's only dawning!)
I cant' wait to say
We've had such a good morning
Now let's explore what's ours
this Afternoon

Silver, Gold, Diamonds
The jewelry of a fickle goddess
Exposed here mid afternoon
Washed out as ready to faint

Maybe it is only glare
But perhaps she is sickened
At my secret other satisfaction
Oh the Vanity of Nature!

I told her I had seen a lovelier view
I told her I had tasted a sweeter fruit
I told her I had felt a warmer touch
Than her Sun’s distant glow could offer

Pale she is this afternoon
Desaturating the yellow of sky
Fading the blue-green water
Jealous, the bitter lover schemes

Swearing my return
She winks her thousand eyes at sea
Kisses my lips to leave a salty sting

And maybe she has lured back
The hearts of pale romantics
And the fools or simple hearted
With these embarrassing dramatics

But I will not be taken
For now, I know a truer beauty
A soul: a kaleidoscope of treasures
Pouring pleasure into my own

His heart has redefined the spectrum
Intensity must be rescaled
My senses wake to a foreign language
But my own heart knows it well

My love is more handsome than her finest sunset
My love is more satisfying than her finest valley’s offerings
My love delights my heart with his mind, body, and spirit
His affection drowns out the song of her most calculated breeze

Some day's I go straight for the word doc
Some days it's got to be in pencil
Other days I want it all in pen
blue, ball point, no black, roller ball

Some days it's the word doc in Garamond
Some days it's the journal page in black pen
Once it was notebook paper in aqua roller ball
number three pencil on a church bulletin

So there you are, holding your breath
Each medium questioning my silence,
but never my faithfulness
When really I was always getting my soul out somewhere

And now I re-collect it,
from each of you and show it to the world
Because if it's public, it's not slutty
--it's a career move.