The Journey
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There is a tricky balance, I am finding, that one must strike, between the pursuit of greatness for greatness's, or God’s sake, or the pursuit of greatness for one’s self. There is something natural, core, right, about the draw to certain things, and then to the desire to be great in the things about which one is passionate. But, when I pursue it because it evokes my passion, does it become self-focused and wrong? I am not sure.
I wished for some time that God would disconnect feeling from morality, to make things more clear and so that I could credit myself with being an emotionless figure of justice, like a scale. Like that blind justice lady, who doesn’t know what’s in either hand, but she has to decide which side is weightier. Then, I began to see that God’s hand can work through feeling: in guiding us toward his good and by letting us experience pleasure in him. I do believe that God’s great love makes him a god who wants his people to experience guidance and pleasure, even here on earth. Yet, God’s greatest kindnesses can be the capacities most exploited by the devil. It is so easy for the pleasure to become the motivation, for the guidance to become necessary to trust, and it becomes easy even to reject these gifts and doubt God’s character of care. The darkness does find its way here, and distort what I believe was meant to be a good way for God to lead and please us during our earthly lives.
There are things that I want to pursue; good things, I think. These things stir my soul, and because I have experienced that God is the strongest force at work in the soul, really, I want to pursue these. Maybe this is a subconscious desire to find God in this pursuit. At the heart we both know I want him. He is what I am seeking in every pursuit, no matter the name of the target. He is the force that feels right in all of it. But, because God loves me and delights in my soul’s delight, he lets me enjoy these things of passionate pursuit. I don’t just follow them thinking, “you are the right thing, I must have you,” rather I think, “whatever you really are, I am sure that I want you, from the purest fountain of my heart this desire for you flows, and you must be right.”
For this pursuit to be honest as I have described it, the desire that I follow, must truly be from this fountain of pure love, and this can only be uncovered by God, and known by our excavating my soul. God and I must journey through the dense jungles, up the treacherous but beautiful peaks; we must fight our way through the dangerous places, and return them to their intended beauty and order. And this is where the problem usually lies. This is a difficult journey, a journey that many simply assume will be done for them, or that can be accomplished by a merely moral formation. I understand, somehow, finally, that it is not. This is the most significant, the most real, the most intentional and personal and vital journey that we will ever go on. God in us. Emmanuel, with us on earth, and then sent in us by Christ as the Spirit, to continue a journey that his life made possible. God and his prized creation, reunited, and sanctified. The formation of a spirit to the state that God desires it, by the work of his own hand. There is no guessing anymore, there is no ‘try’, there is only a commitment to journey always together, never again alone.
And when the heart of the heart is found. The source of purest love and truest praise, where God’s glory can be seen in a purer vision, and from this throne room a river of passion pours. And there, desires, hopes, dreams, poured out to me, are taken in and made my own, and I follow this river to its never-end. And I don’t have to question anymore. All rivers lead to the great big, endless ocean.
I wished for some time that God would disconnect feeling from morality, to make things more clear and so that I could credit myself with being an emotionless figure of justice, like a scale. Like that blind justice lady, who doesn’t know what’s in either hand, but she has to decide which side is weightier. Then, I began to see that God’s hand can work through feeling: in guiding us toward his good and by letting us experience pleasure in him. I do believe that God’s great love makes him a god who wants his people to experience guidance and pleasure, even here on earth. Yet, God’s greatest kindnesses can be the capacities most exploited by the devil. It is so easy for the pleasure to become the motivation, for the guidance to become necessary to trust, and it becomes easy even to reject these gifts and doubt God’s character of care. The darkness does find its way here, and distort what I believe was meant to be a good way for God to lead and please us during our earthly lives.
There are things that I want to pursue; good things, I think. These things stir my soul, and because I have experienced that God is the strongest force at work in the soul, really, I want to pursue these. Maybe this is a subconscious desire to find God in this pursuit. At the heart we both know I want him. He is what I am seeking in every pursuit, no matter the name of the target. He is the force that feels right in all of it. But, because God loves me and delights in my soul’s delight, he lets me enjoy these things of passionate pursuit. I don’t just follow them thinking, “you are the right thing, I must have you,” rather I think, “whatever you really are, I am sure that I want you, from the purest fountain of my heart this desire for you flows, and you must be right.”
For this pursuit to be honest as I have described it, the desire that I follow, must truly be from this fountain of pure love, and this can only be uncovered by God, and known by our excavating my soul. God and I must journey through the dense jungles, up the treacherous but beautiful peaks; we must fight our way through the dangerous places, and return them to their intended beauty and order. And this is where the problem usually lies. This is a difficult journey, a journey that many simply assume will be done for them, or that can be accomplished by a merely moral formation. I understand, somehow, finally, that it is not. This is the most significant, the most real, the most intentional and personal and vital journey that we will ever go on. God in us. Emmanuel, with us on earth, and then sent in us by Christ as the Spirit, to continue a journey that his life made possible. God and his prized creation, reunited, and sanctified. The formation of a spirit to the state that God desires it, by the work of his own hand. There is no guessing anymore, there is no ‘try’, there is only a commitment to journey always together, never again alone.
And when the heart of the heart is found. The source of purest love and truest praise, where God’s glory can be seen in a purer vision, and from this throne room a river of passion pours. And there, desires, hopes, dreams, poured out to me, are taken in and made my own, and I follow this river to its never-end. And I don’t have to question anymore. All rivers lead to the great big, endless ocean.
2 comments:
Wow, C-Pat, that was incredible. A beautiful expression of an even more beautiful truth.
Regarding the passion issue, and finding God in the things that delight us most, I was just thinking and praying over that same concept this morning, and I was reminded of the hymn "This Is My Father's World:"
...
Wow. And as I was just looking up the verse that I wanted to quote, I found that the whole hymn (with extra stanzas) actually speaks to pretty much everything in your post. So I'll just shut up and quote the whole darn thing.
"This is my Father’s world, and to my listening ears
All nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world: I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
His hand the wonders wrought.
This is my Father’s world, the birds their carols raise,
The morning light, the lily white, declare their Maker’s praise.
This is my Father’s world: He shines in all that’s fair;
In the rustling grass I hear Him pass;
He speaks to me everywhere.
This is my Father’s world. O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world: the battle is not done:
Jesus Who died shall be satisfied,
And earth and Heav’n be one.
This is my Father’s world, dreaming, I see His face.
I ope my eyes, and in glad surprise cry, “The Lord is in this place.”
This is my Father’s world, from the shining courts above,
The Beloved One, His Only Son,
Came—a pledge of deathless love.
This is my Father’s world, should my heart be ever sad?
The lord is King—let the heavens ring. God reigns—let the earth be glad.
This is my Father’s world. Now closer to Heaven bound,
For dear to God is the earth Christ trod.
No place but is holy ground.
This is my Father’s world. I walk a desert lone.
In a bush ablaze to my wondering gaze God makes His glory known.
This is my Father’s world, a wanderer I may roam
Whate’er my lot, it matters not,
My heart is still at home."
Amen!
AJ
<><
Courtney, you have the most passionate heart. I love your thoughts here.
-Mike Morabito
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