I have this condition
2:34 AM Edit This 1 Comment »
Funny, Teal and I used to say this all the time, "Well, you see I have this condition." It was after we saw Memento. He would say it when he would forget things. I would never forget things. That was my condition.
The trouble is that there are so many forgettable things in life. So many infinitely small points in my day, and they are all (on days like today) filled with reasons and internal dialogue, and so my days become dense, incredibly dense, and I get sucked under them like quicksand.
Today has been the longest loneliest day of my life. And that is a lie. I have lived lifetimes in this way. At least years, maybe a decade, but I cannot remember.
But I thought it all was over. I have been medicated and trying for two years, and I was beginning to forget how much it hurts, to have every moment stuck to you like a thorn. Like being covered with spines that point inward.
Now I am back to my organic state and I hurt like hell. It's like missing something I haven't ever had. I am homesick for my dreams. But it feels so much worse than I can describe. I am not the only one hurting. Not from my condition, but the ones that I am homesick for.
But I will not forget you, those who I dream of. Your pain is greater, your need so much more than my simple discomfort will keep me from. I have been called to you and I will meet you there. Not in my wholeness. I do not have it to give to you, I'm sorry. But I will be there soon, to give to you in my brokenness. All the more to celebrate because in my unwholeness God's fullness is perfect, is whole, is enough, satisfying. Enough for me, and more importantly for you. You, who wait for His Love.
I cannot wait until we meet. My condition will not disappear, but somehow I am certain it will fade when I am finally able to see your glowing faces. Then I will tell you all of my stories. You will learn about this guy in my stories, you will learn about my family and my friends, you will learn about my God. The One whose love has set me running to you.
I will not forget you. You see I have this condition.
The trouble is that there are so many forgettable things in life. So many infinitely small points in my day, and they are all (on days like today) filled with reasons and internal dialogue, and so my days become dense, incredibly dense, and I get sucked under them like quicksand.
Today has been the longest loneliest day of my life. And that is a lie. I have lived lifetimes in this way. At least years, maybe a decade, but I cannot remember.
But I thought it all was over. I have been medicated and trying for two years, and I was beginning to forget how much it hurts, to have every moment stuck to you like a thorn. Like being covered with spines that point inward.
Now I am back to my organic state and I hurt like hell. It's like missing something I haven't ever had. I am homesick for my dreams. But it feels so much worse than I can describe. I am not the only one hurting. Not from my condition, but the ones that I am homesick for.
But I will not forget you, those who I dream of. Your pain is greater, your need so much more than my simple discomfort will keep me from. I have been called to you and I will meet you there. Not in my wholeness. I do not have it to give to you, I'm sorry. But I will be there soon, to give to you in my brokenness. All the more to celebrate because in my unwholeness God's fullness is perfect, is whole, is enough, satisfying. Enough for me, and more importantly for you. You, who wait for His Love.
I cannot wait until we meet. My condition will not disappear, but somehow I am certain it will fade when I am finally able to see your glowing faces. Then I will tell you all of my stories. You will learn about this guy in my stories, you will learn about my family and my friends, you will learn about my God. The One whose love has set me running to you.
I will not forget you. You see I have this condition.
1 comment:
"I am homesick for my dreams."
Beautiful.
AJ
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