WordArt

Don't Go Away- Oasis (1997)

Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind

I don't wanna be there when you're ... Coming down
I don't wanna be there when you hit the ground

So dont go away, say what you say Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day ... In the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right

Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
With all the things caught in my mind

Me and you whats going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong


I heard this song at the gym the other day and it's been stuck in my head. I sometimes wonder how long it will take for me to get all the things uncaught from in my mind. And if it could ever be too late. And what to do in the meantime. I know I'm not alone in it anymore, but it still feels like a lonely place to be stuck, with nothing quite to say, and nothing quite to do, but be and wait. With all the things caught in my mind.

I hear that when you decide in your heart that what you want most is to be open to God and to know Him, the Enemy is most threatened and ready to attack. It makes unavoidable sense, and from what I can tell, it's on.

We sat around the table Tuesday night and we shared our hearts a little. It's been a good run. 5 months now, of a commited pursuit of God and His heart, in ways we have never known to seek Him before. We have only a few weeks left, and during this time a most focused regimen will be sought, revealed, and followed as we learn to put on Christ in new ways.

And the truth is that I'm nervous. I am excited, because I know that God's promises are good and that fruit cannot help but grow from the branch that abides in the Vine. But for a girl who likes to be the chillest thing around, I find myself anxious that I don't know what God will do. I don't know who He will make me, now that He has secured His identity in my heart.

I find myself praying this picture. This image of the human heart with a seed planted deep inside. And the dry seed sits for some time in this dark empty hollow way, and finally, roots emerge and stems emerge and a deep green plant begins to fill the hollow. Slowly, but surely, the appendages of this plant reach the edges of the heart and begin to seep beyond its edges, until a great plant has grown-- its branches mirroring its roots in size and extention. The leaves glisten and fruit begins to develop on the branches. Such beautiful fruit that its taste is unquestionably exotic and sweet and nourishing, and the seeds within long to burrow themselves deep in rich soil.

I feel more and more that my soul, once connected with the Holy Spirit becomes like the seed of a plant. It is the only analogy that feels right. I am nothing, and then we are seed, and then we are dried and prepared, and then we (the Spirit and I) are planted in my human heart, and then we grow out, and we dig deep and we grow up and we reach to the depths of my being and to the heights of the world's edge and we are meant to live with shiny green leaves and we bear fruit and it is delicious. And where the fruit is consumed the Spirit falls to the earth and continues Its work.

I know it's happening. Whether or not I feel the lush green liveness going on inside, it is happening always-- we are growing. And the more that I want health and growth, the more the Enemy seeks to devour me at the root. Sometimes cloudy days come to disable photosynthetic process, and sometimes pests come and devour my shiny green leaves, and sometimes it's a fungus, and sometimes it's a dry season, and sometimes a flood threatens to wash the ground away. But we are an organism that does not die like that. We survive everything and thrive for the glory of God. Because function wins in evolutionary theory, and this is ours.

And finally the analogies of warfare make sense to my ecologically trained mind. And I remember that God knows me and stirs my heart with the same images that were in His own heart before there was earth and plants.

And I remember that I am so very small. And that there is so much more going on than I can ever fully grasp. But that the very simple truth is a reality of God and His Love. And this is very much enough.

Once upon a time my very best friend, Deborah Rose Camp, moved to Colorado to go to graduate school to become a Speech Language Pathologist. Upon a time about 7 months later, I decided to come out and visit for Easter. The ever-hot Mike Morabito took me to the airport one very early morning and I rushed to get into the line that the distracted United Airlines attendant told me to get in. I waited in the long line with plenty of other nervous flyers, only to be told 10 minutes before my flight was to board (I hadn't even been through security yet) that they couldn't take my bag because all bags must be taken 45 minutes before departure. Screw it. I decide to abandon my fluid containers over 3 ounces, and luckily the super-boyfriend (promoted from regular boyfriend status) came and saved me from tossing the entire Clinique skincare line in the airport community toiletry shopping basket. I squeeze through security, listening closely for any final calls about my flight. After running barefoot and beltless through the gate area to my gate, I am told that I am simply too late and that I'll have to take the next flight. It's 6:45, the next flight is at 7:35, oh wait... delays... no crew, hmmm, make that 11:35, or 12:35. What-ever.

Finally I got to Denver and found my way out of the airport (It's not easy, really). It was something like 28 degrees outside. It felt like cold. I was greeted at the curb by my beautiful friend who is sporting a cute new haircut. She took me to her lovely home in Greeley by way of Quiznos for late lunch. We immediately slipped into our comfortable way of living. This includes hanging around and talking, eating whatever we want, randomly bursting out into giggles or the appropriate Kelly Clarkson song. Finally we fell asleep. It's nice to be with a friend.

We woke up at 7. Okay, make that 7ish for me. Wishing that it wasn't foggy and freezing out, we opted for jeans and sweaters rather than Easter dresses. We didn't feel too bad about this until we got to church and saw that we were outdone by every girl 12 and under in the entire city of Greeley. What-ever girls. Do what you want. We're cold. Church on Easter is just really good. Nothing like sharing the most hopeful and significant Christian holiday, with a community of believers. And Deborah's church is just really cool. It's called Christ Community and we really like it. You should come sometime.

After church we came home to get ready for brunch with the girls. By "the girls" I mean some of the girls from Deborah's program who happen to be incredibly cool. There are some more, but today we had: Jamie from Ohio who loves Byron, Lauren from Alaska who stresses out when she is stressed out, Randi from Hawaii who doesn't take crap from anyone, Deborah who is very lovely and put together, and Me who likes to be around for all the fun parts. As we prepped the casserole and set the table it began to snow. I like snow because I never see it.

The girls from out here were less impressed... but it was still pretty cool.


Brunch was delicious with our casserole, fruit salad (no melon!), bacon, and monkey bread (a caramelly, cinnamon pull-apart bread thing).

After brunch we all sat around being full and then people went their separate ways to take naps and enjoy the holiday. Deborah and I decided to watch a movie. This was a great week for movies.

Blogging stopped being fun on about Tuesday. I have been working on Deborah's computer, so I can't sit around doing this as much as I would if My Sexy Computer was out here. (I capitalize it, because that is the proper name of my computer.) For that reason, here is a recap of some important features of my week.

The weather ranged from snowing on Sunday to sunny and pretty on Monday to frozen rain on Thursday and back to freezing cold and snowish on Friday.

I watched 5 movies while in Colorado. Notting Hill, Princess Diaries, Princess Diaries II, The Holiday, and 50 First Dates. Deborah is the best chick-flick-er ever. So if you ever need to borrow a flick or just want to hang with someone who is always down to watch a chick flick, feel free to call up Deb. I have been caught up on some much needed chick-flickery. Ask Mike Morabito soon about which of my favorite chick-flicks he has had the pleasure of being coerced into watching with me. :) (okay, maybe not, but I will try.)

Cool places in Greeley include:
The liquor shop next to Safeway, The new McDonalds with the dual drive in, Margie's Java Joint, Salvador Deli, Sushi One, Roma's Pizzeria, Dazbog Coffee, Christ Community Church, and of course Deborah's house.

Okay, finally, I've been home for a week, it's time you all knew what went down in CO. Hope you enjoyed it. I know I did. Thanks Deborah, for an awesome time in your new hometown!

It feels just like this (ignore the ad, it's worth the wait. watch the whole thing.)

My days end in fireworks and I hug decorated elephants and make up the rules to risk and have 14 young boys tell me "goodnight, we love you" as they fall asleep.

I have not stopped smiling all day.

I could get used to being this happy. I am very okay with it. It doesn't mean I'm not dangerous. It doesn't mean I'm forgetting where I've been and that I'm broken. But I am more than that. And it is time to be glad about it. To live now and let Love in.

Sparkles fall like fairy dust and I am not afraid of magic. Call it fire and I tell you it burns with more energy than you've ever met. I think maybe my heart is made of fireworks. Maybe I should get that checked out. But I'd hate to become some medical project. Why don't we just keep it our gigantic secret.

Funny, Teal and I used to say this all the time, "Well, you see I have this condition." It was after we saw Memento. He would say it when he would forget things. I would never forget things. That was my condition.

The trouble is that there are so many forgettable things in life. So many infinitely small points in my day, and they are all (on days like today) filled with reasons and internal dialogue, and so my days become dense, incredibly dense, and I get sucked under them like quicksand.

Today has been the longest loneliest day of my life. And that is a lie. I have lived lifetimes in this way. At least years, maybe a decade, but I cannot remember.

But I thought it all was over. I have been medicated and trying for two years, and I was beginning to forget how much it hurts, to have every moment stuck to you like a thorn. Like being covered with spines that point inward.

Now I am back to my organic state and I hurt like hell. It's like missing something I haven't ever had. I am homesick for my dreams. But it feels so much worse than I can describe. I am not the only one hurting. Not from my condition, but the ones that I am homesick for.

But I will not forget you, those who I dream of. Your pain is greater, your need so much more than my simple discomfort will keep me from. I have been called to you and I will meet you there. Not in my wholeness. I do not have it to give to you, I'm sorry. But I will be there soon, to give to you in my brokenness. All the more to celebrate because in my unwholeness God's fullness is perfect, is whole, is enough, satisfying. Enough for me, and more importantly for you. You, who wait for His Love.

I cannot wait until we meet. My condition will not disappear, but somehow I am certain it will fade when I am finally able to see your glowing faces. Then I will tell you all of my stories. You will learn about this guy in my stories, you will learn about my family and my friends, you will learn about my God. The One whose love has set me running to you.

I will not forget you. You see I have this condition.