11:59 PM
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It’s early but I have to get up, I can’t miss the kids’ play, I can’t believe that mom’s do this every day.
But, I want to look like a girl, there are going to be parents there, brush your hair, put some mascara on. That’s not very festive, but I guess it’s the right idea.
Damn, I forgot breakfast. How do real grown-ups do this every day?
I’m late, darn, where is the play? Oh, the chapel, I love the chapel. Oh, are you going this way, nice uniform, New Mexico, huh? Staying out of trouble? Well, I’m sorry to hear that Mr Shertick.
Okay, slip in the back, glance a few hellos. They don’t even know I’m a coach. Yes, I am the nice lady who yells at your kids so that you don’t have to. I know, I get paid, I can’t complain.
Slide in, look around. I really love this chapel. It’s just beautiful. Oh, they’re singing a song, the little kids are dressed up as sheep, that is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! What are all these jello-y feelings in my heart, is this how mom’s feel when they get all cry-y at these things? Oh gosh, they are just so cute and they are all trying so hard.
I hate the way the stage is set up, couldn’t they get some better equipment. Wow, we could really use some choral direction around here. The tape is louder than the kids. Okay, stop comparing to your Broadway worthy childhood performance career. These kids are really proud, and so are their parents.
Oh, hi Mrs Spiering. I don’t know how much we missed, I just got here. I wish this mom next to me would stop talking. Oh well, they’re her kids, yack it up lady. Oh, the hand motions, way to close big with jazz-hands. Oh, even the eighth graders. How cool.
And they closed with ‘The First Nöel’. How sweet. Okay, and we’re all rushing out, Christmas Drill starts in 20 minutes. I need coffee, need. Oh, thank you, yes, I really am a woman. I know, cute shoes and everything. Thank you for noticing. What’s that look for? I don’t even care, keep walking. Coffee, coffee, coffee.
Walking in heels makes me feel like a cooler woman in a New York kind of way. It’s like 40 degree’s out, but I’m rocking the streets of Anaheim like I’m made of stone, a very hot stone. Finally here, I need a mug, so I don’t spill walking back. Oh, finally here’s that bear I need for Deb. Wow, quite a line. Oh, that’s on sale? Cool.
Wow, it’s really busy in here. I hate it when people complain like that. Courtney, this is not your store, you don’t work here, you are not responsible, just step out of the way and be distracted by this very cute little coffee maker. Ah, yes, it is so shiny.
Oh, look, there’s Greg and Mrs Nelson. Hi guys, I guess this was a popular idea. Standing waiting standing waiting standing waiting. Blah blah blah. Oh, well I walked so if you want to give me a ride back that’d be great, and I can help you carry those coffees. Great, what a deal.
Of course I don’t want to sit in VIP, I want to hide under the bleachers. Okay, if you insist I’ll sit in VIP. Thank you, thank you. Oh, here they come. Wow, they look great. Oh hi, Mrs Suh. It’s good to see you. Yes I was in an accident. Yes, thank God. You are so kind, thank you. Oh, wow, nice job. I love Christmas music. Small band this year. Small in size and talent, apparently. Oh, that’s right they’re kids. All judgment is withheld. They’re great. Great job guys. I know they have been practicing really hard. Every waking moment of our lives. But the truth is I think you should all drop out and play more jazz. Hope, get that down for next year, I want a jazzy Christmas march. Thanks. Okay, enough of my brain.
Oh, here they come. So cute in their green dress uniforms. Yay. Many ribbons, recognitions. Oh, Justin got student of the month. I told him just yesterday that he is not special. Apparently, I was wrong. He is special, just like everyone else. Only specialer because he’s a SOTM.
It’s over, goodbye, goodbye, thank you, merry Christmas, goodbye, have a nice break, happy new year, goodbye, goodbye, Justin Roshan Alex John Alex Scott Faraj David Jose Anthony Quinten Joseph Jon Braxton Emmanuel Carlos goodbye, merry Christmas, be good, please be good, have a good one, merry Christmas, thank you.
Ahhh. Grilled cheese, my favorite. Yes I got the present. I was about to say thank you when I was so rudely interrupted. Yes, it is the coolest gift ever. Thank you. I don’t need to tell you how cool you are. Okay, goodbye, merry Christmas, goodbye.
Alright, down to the tv room. Is that rated appropriately? Is it really just the four of you left? Chill. Okay, put it in. Wow, that is a nice car. Good times.
No, we’re not going to put in another movie right now. It is really just the two of you left? Let’s go outside for a bit. I know it’s cold. No you can’t play basketball, you’ll get dirty. Not even free-throws. Sorry, bud. Luis Wen, you crack my up, little Yao Ming. Yes, let’s shine shoes. Oh, four hours to shine shoes, maybe we can do something else. Oh hello sister. Would you like some help? Yes, let me just finish shining my shoes, Luis, let’s go help. I know Di is stronger, but we should help.
Clack, clack, clack. Oh, so what are we doing in here? Oh, the newsletter. Well, I’ll help for a bit, sure. Wow, this is really boring. I know I am very good and folding envelopes. It’s one of my spiritual gifts. Haha. So what are you doing for Christmas. Cool. Yea, I have an older brother and a younger sister. We’re going to Vegas for New Year’s. Should be fun. Yep.
Okay, I’m out. Merry Christmas.
Hey, love, what’s crackin’. Yea I’ll be over in a bit. Hi, may I please have to chicken soft tacos, one small red burrito and a small cherry coke. Thank you. Oh hi, um, two packets of mild please. Thanks. Merry Christmas.
Hi Camps. Deb, what are you doing? Oh, dancing like a possessed Christmas tree angel, I see. Ooh, what are we baking? Those are adooooorable! Nice job Mama. Let me just sit here a sec. Oh yea, that day sounds fine, I really don’t care. Okay. Umm, I don’t know, what are you hungry for. No, I don’t care, you’re the one who doesn’t like tamales, freak. Yea, shrimp sounds good. Okay, we’ll go to the store and figure it out. Okay, yea, Matthew, where did you leave my phone? Alright, we’ll be back in a bit.
Okay, we need two pounds of those. Haha. Sure we’ll give you two tries to get it right. Haha. Impressive. Thanks a lot. Merry Christmas. Yea, I think this one. I’ll trust your judgment on that. I’m not a big sauce girl. I’ve noticed. I know we’re made for each other, but we sure are different. But I still love you so much. You too? Lucky me. Well I’m not really hungry for couscous, how about potatoes. No? Fine. Okay, sounds good. Are those zucchini, they look like zucchini, but they’re not quite. Yea, I’m sure they’re the same thing. Let’s get some yellow squash too. No let’s just get zucchini. No, let’s get some yellow squash too, why, because it will look nice to have a variety of colors. Duh. Hahaha. I’m putting my foot down on this one, we’re getting the yellow squash.
Okay, let’s skip the margaritas. But I really think we need your parents to start drinking, since the rest of the family is into it. Some other time I guess. Okay, let’s go.
We’re home. I’ll peel shrimp. Okay, fine I’ll cut zucchini. Andrew, you’re in my way. Okay, I’ll cut here. Mmm, this is going to be a good dinner. Um, can we just salt these a little before we put them on the grill? Italian? Okay, I just don’t like to over sauce fresh veggies, it like takes a way the whole point. (dead silence and slicing stares) oh, I see, we like sauce around here. Yes, I understand—your house, your saucing rules. Italian it is. Okay, the whole bottle, you got it. Deborah, I’m glad we did this, because I am going to have to reconsider marrying you. Hahaha. Just kidding. No sauce rule could every tear us apart. Muah! Hahaha.
Alright Papa, fire up the grill. Alright, these are ready, so are these. Send ‘em out. Dang it’s cold. No really, Deborah, I don’t care if you’re from Colorado or the North Pole, it’s freakin cold out there. Andrew, I think know what I’m doing. Deborah, who’s side are you on? Whatever, I could totally rock you in the kitchen. I may not be ‘domesticated’ (am I a pet or what?), but I still know how to do cool things. Whatever man, I’ll show you.
Oh, sorry Mama, I put your cup in the dishwasher. Never again. Family dinner table conversation. So much good stuff. Uh-oh, I ended up with the extra fork, looks like I got the dishes. That’s a fun rule. Okay, let’s go, I’ll meet you at my house.
Okay, got that, got this, this one or this one, can I just wear these, okay. Oops I forgot my toothbrush, okay, bye mom, no, okay, bye. Go right, okay go left, the chai eggnog is the best, okay, hi, yep, I’ll have a grande chai eggnog, CHAI EGGNOG, grande, GRANDE. Okay, thanks. Merry Christmas. Okay, go that way, or that way, okay. Cool. Yea, these Christmas lights suck. Go that way. Up there, yea make a left, oh well, just turn here. Ooh, now those are Christmas lights. Oh, how cute. That’s beautiful. I love it. Whoa, look at that one. That’s awesome! How cute. Awww, there’s another one of those. That’s totally cute.
Man, I’m beat. Yea, let’s just go home and go to bed. It’s been a long day. A good one, though. I’m glad we did this. Aright, I got top bunk. Nice, okay. Goodnight. Yea, I set some alarms. See you bright and early. Love you too.
11:00 PM
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There is a tricky balance, I am finding, that one must strike, between the pursuit of greatness for greatness's, or God’s sake, or the pursuit of greatness for one’s self. There is something natural, core, right, about the draw to certain things, and then to the desire to be great in the things about which one is passionate. But, when I pursue it because it evokes my passion, does it become self-focused and wrong? I am not sure.
I wished for some time that God would disconnect feeling from morality, to make things more clear and so that I could credit myself with being an emotionless figure of justice, like a scale. Like that blind justice lady, who doesn’t know what’s in either hand, but she has to decide which side is weightier. Then, I began to see that God’s hand can work through feeling: in guiding us toward his good and by letting us experience pleasure in him. I do believe that God’s great love makes him a god who wants his people to experience guidance and pleasure, even here on earth. Yet, God’s greatest kindnesses can be the capacities most exploited by the devil. It is so easy for the pleasure to become the motivation, for the guidance to become necessary to trust, and it becomes easy even to reject these gifts and doubt God’s character of care. The darkness does find its way here, and distort what I believe was meant to be a good way for God to lead and please us during our earthly lives.
There are things that I want to pursue; good things, I think. These things stir my soul, and because I have experienced that God is the strongest force at work in the soul, really, I want to pursue these. Maybe this is a subconscious desire to find God in this pursuit. At the heart we both know I want him. He is what I am seeking in every pursuit, no matter the name of the target. He is the force that feels right in all of it. But, because God loves me and delights in my soul’s delight, he lets me enjoy these things of passionate pursuit. I don’t just follow them thinking, “you are the right thing, I must have you,” rather I think, “whatever you really are, I am sure that I want you, from the purest fountain of my heart this desire for you flows, and you must be right.”
For this pursuit to be honest as I have described it, the desire that I follow, must truly be from this fountain of pure love, and this can only be uncovered by God, and known by our excavating my soul. God and I must journey through the dense jungles, up the treacherous but beautiful peaks; we must fight our way through the dangerous places, and return them to their intended beauty and order. And this is where the problem usually lies. This is a difficult journey, a journey that many simply assume will be done for them, or that can be accomplished by a merely moral formation. I understand, somehow, finally, that it is not. This is the most significant, the most real, the most intentional and personal and vital journey that we will ever go on. God in us. Emmanuel, with us on earth, and then sent in us by Christ as the Spirit, to continue a journey that his life made possible. God and his prized creation, reunited, and sanctified. The formation of a spirit to the state that God desires it, by the work of his own hand. There is no guessing anymore, there is no ‘try’, there is only a commitment to journey always together, never again alone.
And when the heart of the heart is found. The source of purest love and truest praise, where God’s glory can be seen in a purer vision, and from this throne room a river of passion pours. And there, desires, hopes, dreams, poured out to me, are taken in and made my own, and I follow this river to its never-end. And I don’t have to question anymore. All rivers lead to the great big, endless ocean.
2:16 PM
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I went for a run to erase my mind. I wanted out. I wanted it all to stop. So I ran and ran and ran. Things became dimmer and dimmer. And finally it was dark. I had escaped. I stopped to stretch. Pop. I pulled a hamstring and found myself walking. As I walked, I found myself descending a deep dark staircase. I have been digging now for about a day and a half and have finally found the right location for a dungeon. I am ready to walk in, lock the gate, and be separate, alone, distanced, cold. I was ready to tell you all how I got here, how I found it to be the right place for me. I was writing you all a story about my departure, from the world of so-called freedom. You see, I am the strongest woman in the world. I know, it is your pleasure to meet me. But there is no safe place, for me, with all of you or for you, with all of me. I am dangerous in the bad way. We all have a weakness and in combination with some kinds of power this can cause more damage than it’s worth. As I’ve built the dungeon, I have decided that some risks aren’t worth taking. And I am one of them. So, I am preparing myself to tell you all. I am applying dark eyeliner and putting on black clothes. I am telling you all how you can’t imagine the depths I am in, that you couldn’t know this darkness (you see, because I am so damn special, I am so much more deep and dark and complex than you could imagine, please). And I am saying goodbye and preparing to slip into madness. Yes, you think I am crazy, but really you have no idea the madness that exists just below the surface. When we remove light, things die; and then things really get crazy. Decomposition, anaerobic metabolism, the ugly things that live under rocks break it all back down and feed us to the rest of the light embracing world. I was digging my self a dungeon, a grave. You are a crazy woman. Like no one before. Until you break, and then you are just like the hundred-millions of other crazy people in the world.
I was crazy for about a mile and a half. That’s a pretty deep walk.
I turned another corner, picking up the pace again, and the wind changed. It picked up, but not over my head, it was like under me and all around me, it was thick, like water. I didn’t want to feel it. But even as the strongest woman I could not stop it. I felt. Everything. Every emotion, every joy, every pain; like a million needles pricking at once, every pore stung. I wanted to laugh and cry. I walk faster, and then slower, and then faster, trying to make it go away. And in this ‘A Beautiful Mind’ -like moment I begin to see the leaves on the path differently. Suddenly they are in pairs, they match, they are grouped together, they are in progressive series. There is this order to their position on the ground. I am crazy, you already know, so yes, I see these things, and they are very real. I keep walking, and they keep popping out at me. Two here in symmetry, a group of four with points together like a four leaf clover. A pair of big ones, a pair of small ones. Same color, same shape, same alignment, mirrored alignment, growing in size or deepening in color. I look around and I feel lost all of a sudden. I know that I’ve been here maybe a thousand times. I walk this street all the time, I drive it daily. I know it. But I felt so out of place, so lost, missing. I continued up the path and the crazy things stopped happening and I began to feel like I knew where I was. I don’t know if I wanted to know, but I did and I was almost home again. I crossed the street and there were cars and I didn’t make eye contact because I hated that they could see me, and I wanted to pretend that they couldn’t. I don’t want to be seen anymore. I want to be invisible. I looked at the ground. Like those crazy people who don’t really know that you’re there because they’re all caught up in their crazy heads. Yes, just like them, us.
I’m fine, I’m fine. Really. No, I’m not really going crazy. Ha. It’s just this way I feel sometimes. Everything’s cool. What could we do? Anyway, what can we do. I am at a loss. A terrible loss. I am wanting to abandon ship. I feel this way sometimes. Sometimes I lose everything. Sometimes I don’t. We will see. We will all see.
We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easier to identify. Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We’ll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other.
So when my weakness turns my ego up
I know you’ll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song
Remind me that we’ll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you’ll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we’ll always have
Eachother
When everything else is gone.
Oh, each other…
When everything
Else is gone.
Dig—Incubus, 2006
