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I went for a run to erase my mind. I wanted out. I wanted it all to stop. So I ran and ran and ran. Things became dimmer and dimmer. And finally it was dark. I had escaped. I stopped to stretch. Pop. I pulled a hamstring and found myself walking. As I walked, I found myself descending a deep dark staircase. I have been digging now for about a day and a half and have finally found the right location for a dungeon. I am ready to walk in, lock the gate, and be separate, alone, distanced, cold. I was ready to tell you all how I got here, how I found it to be the right place for me. I was writing you all a story about my departure, from the world of so-called freedom. You see, I am the strongest woman in the world. I know, it is your pleasure to meet me. But there is no safe place, for me, with all of you or for you, with all of me. I am dangerous in the bad way. We all have a weakness and in combination with some kinds of power this can cause more damage than it’s worth. As I’ve built the dungeon, I have decided that some risks aren’t worth taking. And I am one of them. So, I am preparing myself to tell you all. I am applying dark eyeliner and putting on black clothes. I am telling you all how you can’t imagine the depths I am in, that you couldn’t know this darkness (you see, because I am so damn special, I am so much more deep and dark and complex than you could imagine, please). And I am saying goodbye and preparing to slip into madness. Yes, you think I am crazy, but really you have no idea the madness that exists just below the surface. When we remove light, things die; and then things really get crazy. Decomposition, anaerobic metabolism, the ugly things that live under rocks break it all back down and feed us to the rest of the light embracing world. I was digging my self a dungeon, a grave. You are a crazy woman. Like no one before. Until you break, and then you are just like the hundred-millions of other crazy people in the world.
I was crazy for about a mile and a half. That’s a pretty deep walk.
I turned another corner, picking up the pace again, and the wind changed. It picked up, but not over my head, it was like under me and all around me, it was thick, like water. I didn’t want to feel it. But even as the strongest woman I could not stop it. I felt. Everything. Every emotion, every joy, every pain; like a million needles pricking at once, every pore stung. I wanted to laugh and cry. I walk faster, and then slower, and then faster, trying to make it go away. And in this ‘A Beautiful Mind’ -like moment I begin to see the leaves on the path differently. Suddenly they are in pairs, they match, they are grouped together, they are in progressive series. There is this order to their position on the ground. I am crazy, you already know, so yes, I see these things, and they are very real. I keep walking, and they keep popping out at me. Two here in symmetry, a group of four with points together like a four leaf clover. A pair of big ones, a pair of small ones. Same color, same shape, same alignment, mirrored alignment, growing in size or deepening in color. I look around and I feel lost all of a sudden. I know that I’ve been here maybe a thousand times. I walk this street all the time, I drive it daily. I know it. But I felt so out of place, so lost, missing. I continued up the path and the crazy things stopped happening and I began to feel like I knew where I was. I don’t know if I wanted to know, but I did and I was almost home again. I crossed the street and there were cars and I didn’t make eye contact because I hated that they could see me, and I wanted to pretend that they couldn’t. I don’t want to be seen anymore. I want to be invisible. I looked at the ground. Like those crazy people who don’t really know that you’re there because they’re all caught up in their crazy heads. Yes, just like them, us.
I’m fine, I’m fine. Really. No, I’m not really going crazy. Ha. It’s just this way I feel sometimes. Everything’s cool. What could we do? Anyway, what can we do. I am at a loss. A terrible loss. I am wanting to abandon ship. I feel this way sometimes. Sometimes I lose everything. Sometimes I don’t. We will see. We will all see.
We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easier to identify. Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We’ll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other.
So when my weakness turns my ego up
I know you’ll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song
Remind me that we’ll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you’ll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we’ll always have
Eachother
When everything else is gone.
Oh, each other…
When everything
Else is gone.
Dig—Incubus, 2006
I was crazy for about a mile and a half. That’s a pretty deep walk.
I turned another corner, picking up the pace again, and the wind changed. It picked up, but not over my head, it was like under me and all around me, it was thick, like water. I didn’t want to feel it. But even as the strongest woman I could not stop it. I felt. Everything. Every emotion, every joy, every pain; like a million needles pricking at once, every pore stung. I wanted to laugh and cry. I walk faster, and then slower, and then faster, trying to make it go away. And in this ‘A Beautiful Mind’ -like moment I begin to see the leaves on the path differently. Suddenly they are in pairs, they match, they are grouped together, they are in progressive series. There is this order to their position on the ground. I am crazy, you already know, so yes, I see these things, and they are very real. I keep walking, and they keep popping out at me. Two here in symmetry, a group of four with points together like a four leaf clover. A pair of big ones, a pair of small ones. Same color, same shape, same alignment, mirrored alignment, growing in size or deepening in color. I look around and I feel lost all of a sudden. I know that I’ve been here maybe a thousand times. I walk this street all the time, I drive it daily. I know it. But I felt so out of place, so lost, missing. I continued up the path and the crazy things stopped happening and I began to feel like I knew where I was. I don’t know if I wanted to know, but I did and I was almost home again. I crossed the street and there were cars and I didn’t make eye contact because I hated that they could see me, and I wanted to pretend that they couldn’t. I don’t want to be seen anymore. I want to be invisible. I looked at the ground. Like those crazy people who don’t really know that you’re there because they’re all caught up in their crazy heads. Yes, just like them, us.
I’m fine, I’m fine. Really. No, I’m not really going crazy. Ha. It’s just this way I feel sometimes. Everything’s cool. What could we do? Anyway, what can we do. I am at a loss. A terrible loss. I am wanting to abandon ship. I feel this way sometimes. Sometimes I lose everything. Sometimes I don’t. We will see. We will all see.
We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easier to identify. Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We’ll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other.
So when my weakness turns my ego up
I know you’ll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song
Remind me that we’ll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you’ll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we’ll always have
Eachother
When everything else is gone.
Oh, each other…
When everything
Else is gone.
Dig—Incubus, 2006
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