WordArt

It feels just like this (ignore the ad, it's worth the wait. watch the whole thing.)

My days end in fireworks and I hug decorated elephants and make up the rules to risk and have 14 young boys tell me "goodnight, we love you" as they fall asleep.

I have not stopped smiling all day.

I could get used to being this happy. I am very okay with it. It doesn't mean I'm not dangerous. It doesn't mean I'm forgetting where I've been and that I'm broken. But I am more than that. And it is time to be glad about it. To live now and let Love in.

Sparkles fall like fairy dust and I am not afraid of magic. Call it fire and I tell you it burns with more energy than you've ever met. I think maybe my heart is made of fireworks. Maybe I should get that checked out. But I'd hate to become some medical project. Why don't we just keep it our gigantic secret.

Funny, Teal and I used to say this all the time, "Well, you see I have this condition." It was after we saw Memento. He would say it when he would forget things. I would never forget things. That was my condition.

The trouble is that there are so many forgettable things in life. So many infinitely small points in my day, and they are all (on days like today) filled with reasons and internal dialogue, and so my days become dense, incredibly dense, and I get sucked under them like quicksand.

Today has been the longest loneliest day of my life. And that is a lie. I have lived lifetimes in this way. At least years, maybe a decade, but I cannot remember.

But I thought it all was over. I have been medicated and trying for two years, and I was beginning to forget how much it hurts, to have every moment stuck to you like a thorn. Like being covered with spines that point inward.

Now I am back to my organic state and I hurt like hell. It's like missing something I haven't ever had. I am homesick for my dreams. But it feels so much worse than I can describe. I am not the only one hurting. Not from my condition, but the ones that I am homesick for.

But I will not forget you, those who I dream of. Your pain is greater, your need so much more than my simple discomfort will keep me from. I have been called to you and I will meet you there. Not in my wholeness. I do not have it to give to you, I'm sorry. But I will be there soon, to give to you in my brokenness. All the more to celebrate because in my unwholeness God's fullness is perfect, is whole, is enough, satisfying. Enough for me, and more importantly for you. You, who wait for His Love.

I cannot wait until we meet. My condition will not disappear, but somehow I am certain it will fade when I am finally able to see your glowing faces. Then I will tell you all of my stories. You will learn about this guy in my stories, you will learn about my family and my friends, you will learn about my God. The One whose love has set me running to you.

I will not forget you. You see I have this condition.

In Afternoons my thoughts are sent
to time
and time passing
Remind me to capture
every moment
before night freezes us

In this light (this Afternoon light) we see
what we made
or how we wasted
the gift of Morning

(You and I), I hope we will say
we made ours
worth every drop
of sweet honey gold
pouring down
on our lip-licking delicious Afternoon

We laid out the makings
of breath stealing sunsets
we planted trees
to silhouette them right
in the photographs we will take
this Afternoon

We followed the heart's path
all the way to the place
Heaven pours down, watering freedom

And all afternoon
we will dance like crazy
We will breathe more deeply
to see more clearly
We will climb every tree
We will taste every fruit

This afternoon was made
for us
(Doubtlessly), it is ours
It is exactly as we like it
Just like we asked Santa
(like that girl on 34th street)

Of course it is ours
(of course it is ours)
We dreamed it up
and love let it all
come
true

I can't wait
to make the most
of our big day
(and it's only dawning!)
I cant' wait to say
We've had such a good morning
Now let's explore what's ours
this Afternoon

Silver, Gold, Diamonds
The jewelry of a fickle goddess
Exposed here mid afternoon
Washed out as ready to faint

Maybe it is only glare
But perhaps she is sickened
At my secret other satisfaction
Oh the Vanity of Nature!

I told her I had seen a lovelier view
I told her I had tasted a sweeter fruit
I told her I had felt a warmer touch
Than her Sun’s distant glow could offer

Pale she is this afternoon
Desaturating the yellow of sky
Fading the blue-green water
Jealous, the bitter lover schemes

Swearing my return
She winks her thousand eyes at sea
Kisses my lips to leave a salty sting

And maybe she has lured back
The hearts of pale romantics
And the fools or simple hearted
With these embarrassing dramatics

But I will not be taken
For now, I know a truer beauty
A soul: a kaleidoscope of treasures
Pouring pleasure into my own

His heart has redefined the spectrum
Intensity must be rescaled
My senses wake to a foreign language
But my own heart knows it well

My love is more handsome than her finest sunset
My love is more satisfying than her finest valley’s offerings
My love delights my heart with his mind, body, and spirit
His affection drowns out the song of her most calculated breeze

Some day's I go straight for the word doc
Some days it's got to be in pencil
Other days I want it all in pen
blue, ball point, no black, roller ball

Some days it's the word doc in Garamond
Some days it's the journal page in black pen
Once it was notebook paper in aqua roller ball
number three pencil on a church bulletin

So there you are, holding your breath
Each medium questioning my silence,
but never my faithfulness
When really I was always getting my soul out somewhere

And now I re-collect it,
from each of you and show it to the world
Because if it's public, it's not slutty
--it's a career move.

1)Spontaneous activity executed directly following work

2)Beach appropriate clothing aquired inexpensively and quickly (not on credit)

3)Drive to beach without getting angry at traffic

4)In anticipation of beach, begin undressing in traffic

5)Parallel park-- stick shift style

6)Overcome fear of teenagers and sit on beach anyway

This is officially the best day in February, ever.

7)Get feet wet (actually--all of lower leg, up to knees)

8)Pick treasures

9)See Catalina Island

[10)get peer-pressured into getting a library card]

Okay, I’ve got my cup of coffee here, two--make that three-- creams (it’s strong today) and an equal packet (because your drink deserves equal). So yea, I know, it seems like it’s been forever. How have I been, um, on a scale… 1-6, okay, how about 5? (Because we all know that anyone who answers 6 on this scale is a bragging jerk, and that just couldn’t be me). Okay, so start at the beginning. Sorry, I don’t know where that is. How about the Middle. No, that stresses me out. The End? Too anticlimactic. Let’s just start. We’ll figure it out.

So things are good. I’m just working, because I finished school. Very exciting. I’ll be walking for my BA in Philosophy in May. Yep, totally pumped. It is weird. A strange change of pace after the last couple decades of going to school all the time. But so right. The timing is perfect. For the first time ever, I feel ready. For anything, everything. I just feel ready. Like the preparation is over in me, so now I’m kind of in that state of packing up my things, and deciding what to leave behind, and finding my way to wherever it is I’m going. What a cool place to be. Yes it is. Indeed.

I work at this military school with a bunch of young boys. Boys are funny. But it turns out God loves them a lot, so I have this great opportunity to let them in on that piece of reality. I start coaching volleyball next week. Oh, you never knew I was into volleyball—funny cause I wasn’t. Sometimes you just have to do what they tell you, even if it means lying to little kids about your athletic abilities. They don’t need to know, they just need to play. But I am reading a book, so it should be fine.

My spiritual senses are much stronger than they used to be. It has been rather incredible. It turns out that, as described in the Bible, the Holy Spirit is actually an active and working part of reality. I always heard this, tried to believe it, but could not really conceive of it in the way that I needed to for me to make the most of the action of the Spirit. Through learning, study, prayer, and openness, my eyes have been opened to the work of the Spirit. Its intention in my life becomes more and more visible, and there is a rightness to our relationship that I have yearned for without knowing. This new sense has changed everything. I have a whole new role in my life. I am no longer the star of my movie. I am part of a relationship that has been waiting for me my entire life. 'To dance with the Trinity,' is a call that I have not known how to hear until now. I have never been asked to dance in so intimate a way, and I have never wanted to be a part of anything more. This is the most exciting thing in the world to me now.

Not that I intend to just hang around now. The Spirit does not simply exist to get me all excited about being part of something beautiful and then let me hang around in a bubble of peace. My soul has become quite flammable now. As the Spirit pursues my heart and it is opened for the Lord to move in it, our hearts become more and more aligned. My passion becomes more and more the passion of the Lord, and the electricity of Its touch has set my heart on some kind of crazy fire. It is the most pleasant natural disaster I have ever encountered.

So yea, it turns out I really love people. But on my own I am so incapable of reaching them past my insecurities and shortcomings. It also turns out that God totally wants me to love them, so It makes me able. It makes me whole. Not only justified so that I can commune with God, but sanctified so that I can live, in It, the life that I cannot help but love as I grow to know the heart of God.

I am surprised, somehow, that this has become the most important thing. It seems so intense to me, in a life that tries very hard to be simple. And maybe I have let simplicity and intensity mean things far too different for far too long. There is now a focus that allows those two features of my life to co-describe it quite effectively.

And with my eyes on the path set out in my heart everything else settles, like little sparkles in a snow globe. There are pieces of my life that suck, that hurt, that make me angry, frightened, tired. There are big and small joys. There is love, and there is chocolate. And there are books and there is pizza. There are best friends and there are tricky word problems. And there are kids dying in Africa, and there are kids with broken souls who I see every day. And I still yell at them for not getting their homework done or having their shirts tucked in, and I still curse their parents under my breath for thinking it was okay to have kids they could never be responsible enough to raise. And I still capture the best moments with the camera in my head, so I hold on to that rock and roll sunset, and the most gorgeous green eyes in the world, and the funniest kid on the planet, and the sad crazy on the roadside. All of these things are real too.

So you can see where it gets a little tricky. Yes. Oh, no I’d better not have any more coffee, we’re about out of cream and I’ve got to get to work. It’s been good though. Different than I expected, but I have to believe it’s good because it’s real. Thanks for meeting up. Yes, again soon. Certainly.